Inside me there are two wolves. One is a Puck figure, deeply convinced that anything worth doing is worth doing quickly and preferably should already be done. Send that risky text now! If that’s how you feel then that is how you feel! No filter just do it already! Post it on the secret blog! The other spins out into self-hatred at the slightest sign of an uncomfortable feeling, is socially anxious and deeply ashamed of being at all.

It has been a while. This secret project has been on my mind pretty regularly in the past two years. I still haven’t told anyone about this blog. In hindsight I know why I created it and why I’ve maintained it for over two years, despite letting it be a graveyard of a couple of old reflections. Two years ago I was just starting to ask myself the question “Who would I be if no one was watching?

Looking back on my post from a year ago, I feel a fondness for the woman I was. Her sentences were so declarative, her sadness so entrenched, her determination so surprising. She did the hard thing and now I’m here, seeing the whole path of my living through the soft blur that comes when you adjust the lens to expand your scope, to focus on something different. I am different now.

I am in the midst of a month-long art project right now, which is an attempt to hardwire myself to think the way I want to this year. I came up with this by focusing on my theme for the year and devising a project to bring me softly into my desired state of mind. I did a month-long art project last month to close out my 2022 theme of “embodiment.